So Long and Thanks For All The Fish

"... and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord"

According to Harold Camping, the End Times are nigh upon us (again-- he's been pitching The End since 1994 or earlier). The End begins on May 21st, 2011, this time around.

He is giving us advanced warning. On Judgment Day, May 21^st, 2011, there begins a 5-month period of horrible torment for all the inhabitants of the Earth. On May 21^st, God will raise up all the dead that have ever died from their graves. Earthquakes will ravage the whole world as the earth will no longer conceal its dead (Isaiah 26:21). Don't get your looting shoes out of the closet. May 21st is Zombie Day. The living holy people will still be around the endure the next five months. People who died as saved individuals will experience the resurrection of their bodies and immediately leave this world to forever be with the Lord. I've always thought that when you die you go to Heaven, but according to this, you are entombed for upwards of 2000 years until your physical remains are uplifted. Those who died unsaved will be raised up as well, but only to have their lifeless bodies scattered about the face of all the earth. Death will be everywhere. May I suggest buying those little booties that Sleep Country delivery guys wear? Starting tomorrow, the whole world will look like Delhi and it's going to stay that way. Worst of all: we get jipped out of a final Halloween. The End ends on October 21th, 2011.

But then, The End has been hanging out this it was written into the Bible:

• 1844 - William Miller predicted Christ would return between March 21, 1843 and March 21, 1844, then revised his prediction, claiming to have miscalculated Scripture, to October 22, 1844. The realization that the predictions were incorrect resulted in a Great Disappointment. Miller's theology gave rise to the Advent movement. The Baha'is believe that Christ did return as Miller predicted in 1844, with the advent of The Báb, and numerous Miller-like prophetic predictions from many religions are given in William Sears book, Thief in The Night. So, according the Baha'i belief, we are post Rapture and living in the 1000 years of peace. Given how much human suffering is solely created by human behaviour, maybe the last 170 years is the best we can do. Perfection is a bland monotone-- the highs and lows make us appreciate the good things in life and an appreciative and thankful life feels satisfying.
  
• 1914, 1918, 1925, 1942 - Dates set for the end by the Jehovah's Witnesses. So, after 1942 why did the Jehovah Witnesses stay banded together? The End has come and heaven needs no churches. So, if you're a faithful JW, the last thing you'd do is show up and help build another Kingdom Hall.
  
• 1981 - Chuck Smith predicted that Jesus would probably return by 1981. Ronald Reagan's presidency definitely made the End believable. The chance he would fall asleep on The Button was about 40% per year.
  
• 1988 - Publication of 88 Reasons why the Rapture is in 1988, by Edgar C. Whisenant. He should have revised the book 1999.
  
• 1989 - Publication of The final shout: Rapture report 1989, by Edgar Whisenant. More predictions by this author appeared for 1992, 1995, and other years.
• 1992 - Korean group "Mission for the Coming Days" predicted October 28, 1992 as the date for the rapture. Ironically, that's when Starcraft was released, so in Korea they were totally correct.
  
• 1993 - Seven years before the year 2000. The rapture would have to start to allow for seven years of the Tribulation before the Return in 2000. Multiple predictions. One prediction: America would elect their worst president ever.
  
• 1994 - Pastor John Hinkle of Christ Church in Los Angeles predicted June 9, 1994. Radio evangelist Harold Camping predicted September 6, 1994.
• 2011 - Harold Camping's revised prediction has May 21, 2011 as the date of the rapture.
• 2060 - Sir Isaac Newton proposed, based upon his calculations using figures from the book of Daniel, that the Apocalypse could happen no earlier than 2060. He used apples to invent gravity, so he much have this right ;)
  

If this is the end, you will not be able to spend your money in the next day or in the zombie littered five months to come. If you hold this to be true, feel free to dump your excess money in my Paypal account: