Open Letter to Jann Arden

Re: Celine Dion

Dear Jann Ardren,
I have liked your music for a long time. What I find is really special in you is your disdain of our fellow Canadian, Celine Dion. After seeing Celine Dion's exhibition on CNN's Larry King Show, I feel that enough is enough. This warbling cabaret singer's claim to fame is backing the popcorn-romantic classic, Titanic; and she was lousy in that capacity. She is a blight. For some reason, the US Cable News Network saw fit to tap Celine Dion for her sage insight into the Hurricane Katrina affair. She jitted and wept and then broke into song. It was embarassing.
Ms. Adren, I don't have a lot of money. Regardless, I would like to fund an expedition that is of great import to all Canadians. I don't think we can weather another bout of Celine Dion. I have taken out enough money for you to travel from Canada to Las Vegas. I have also set aside enough money so that once in Las Vegas you can take advantage of lax US gun laws and purchase what you need when you are down there. >wink< >wink< Please don't take this as an encouragement to harm Ms. Dion. I would be content if you locked her in a hotel room, strapped to a bed and force fed her corn chips for six months. Or, you could use CIA deep sleep techniques to wipe her memories and replace her persona with an alternative personality. Here are some of my suggestions. Any of these would be better than the Celine Dion we encounter today:
  • Beth-Earl Polson: voracious Bingo player from Alabama. "Bingooooo!"
  • Jo Hurl: grunge rock singer from Detriot. She does a Kurt Cobain tribute rock opera. For the climax she plays the roles of Cobain, Courtney Love and an aimless drifter; and renacts Cobain's "suicide" with a super-soaker. Here, her jitting would come in handy.
  • Aimee Latrine: French Canadian fry-cook who works off the Vegas strip in a dive frequented by loners.
  • Robo-Skeleton: a mime who works in Golden Gate Park near the Safeway. (Ms. Adren, make sure to equip this persona with a cellphone that has the ambulance service on speed dial: if the mime routine doesn't earn her frequent beatings, her similarity to Celine Dion will.)
For sake of us all, I ask that you consider my offer. Can you really live in a world where Celine Dion is allowed to run free?

Thank you,


Falcona said…
Victor Michelle - Drag queen extraordinaire, singing the hits of Cher and Boy Geroge in an off off-the-strip nightclub.
Cheryl said…
Or she could go for "all of the above" and create some sort of demon-sybill split personality.... but it might be cheaper just to stuff her with cornchips. And maybe valium.
Mike DeWolfe said…
My favorite part of this? Look up in the righthand corner. Google Ads is actually facilitating my plans by advertising tickets to Celine Dion and to Las Vegas. Ah, the semnatic Internet. Could anything be better?

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